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Sunday, December 12, 2004
Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Lol. Yeah, sorry. I just haven't really had anything to say over the
last month. I figured now is a good time to catch up. :-) Well, my aunt Laura, uncle Mike, and my cousin Dustin just left
to go home (Merced, next to Fresno) and it really sucks. I miss them. Actually, I miss Dustin. He's the most awesome cousin
I have. He's 15 and him and I get along really great. We have pretty much the same personality except for the fact that he
likes to listen to Lil John and I like to listen to NOFX. See the difference? Lol. Anyways. I hardly ever get to see him so
this was cool. But now I'm really lonely and depressed 'cuz I'm missing him. Oh well. We all went up to the Eskimo Hill area
next to Lassen yesterday to get Christmas Trees. It was so awesome! I loved it. We're gonna do that every year now. I took
TONS of pictures too. I might post some on the site if I ever get around to it. We'll see. Maybe one or two. Well yeah, that's
pretty much it. This week is finals. Yay! Lol. JK. I can barely wait for Christmas Vacation. Vacations are nice, aren't they.
I just need time to relax. I can't stand routine schedules like school. It gets boring after a while. Right now, Sarah, Courntey,
my mom, and I are decorating our new Christmas tree! It's so much fun. I love it. Yep. Lol. I love the holidays. I don't exactly
have money to but people things but presents aren't really what matter. I just love the feeling of Christmas and everyone
in your family being here and you just feel so close to everyone. I love it. Well I love you guys and I'll see you all later.
~Jessica~
Friday, November 19, 2004
Holy shit. My life is a horrible mistake. I can't believe how stupid and inconsiderate I am. I think I just
screwed up my relationship with my boyfriend. GOD. I hate my life. Why did I have to do this? Why? Why couldn't I just keep
my mouth shut. Zack, Will, and I walked to Safeway today to get a few things and I asked Will to get me food. So he went into
the store while Zack and I stood outside. I knew something was wrong with him. I asked him if this dream that he had of Will
and I was bugging him. It was. I was so worried about him. Dreams suck, don't they? They're not true at all and all they do
is make people worry. Well anyways, so Will comes out and he shows me the chips he got me and then he pulls out a box of Nutty
Bars. I love Nutty Bars. And any of you guys know that whenever someone does something for me that's really nice or gets something
for me, I yell out, "I love you! Only not really." It's like a habit. Well Zack took it seriously when I yelled that out to
Will. He was mad at me so fucking much. He wouldn't talk to me and he wouldn't let me touch him. He kept walking off away
from me and once said, "Stay off of me," when I tried to hold his hand. I guess that while we were in the store before this
happened I accidently ignored him a lot. I didn't really mean to. I was actually really nervous 'cuz stupid Will was gonna
steal flamible stuff to light things with. I was like shaking and my attention span wasn't too great. So anyways, it took
a lot of convincing to let Zack know that I love him so much and that I wouldn't be able to live without him. God, I'm crying
right now. I can't stand thinking that I'm gonna lose him. If I do I'll seriously kill myself. I can't go on without him.
And I had to open my fucking mouth and say that crap. So I'm gonna call Zack tonight and the only thing I plan on telling
him is how much I love him and need him. Well yeah, my mom picked me up from his house and we drove over to Taco Bell. There
were two cop cars sitting in the 76 parking lot. I looked at 'em and didn't pay attention. Then one of them turns on their
flashing lights. Oh shit. It leaves the parking lot and turns right at Safeway. Oh shit! Then it turns left into
the Safeway parking lot. OH SHIT! Then the other one leaves and goes into the same parking lot and my mom has to
make it worse. "Must be shoplifters. Stupid lifeless people." Yeah thanks, mom. Calling me lifeless?? I see how it is. So
I try to act as normal as possible and keep staring at the cop cars. I don't think she suspected anything, at least I hope
not. Well Zack, if you're reading this, I love you too much for words. I mean it when I say that. Not everybody has the privelege
of my love. Complete love. I love you and LeAnna more than my own family. That's it. Everyone else, I couldn't care less about
them. Especially Will. Okay? I love you. I'll call you as soon as I can. Talk to you guys later!
~Jessica~
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
It was my birthday on Sunday! Yes, I'm a young one. I turned 14. I have to say that I was actually really
happy about how it turned out. Zack came over to my house, which was totally awesome but it sucked at the same time. I couldn't
do anything. I had to literally remind myself the entire time that my family won't allow me to be anything more than friends
with him and if they found out that I am, they'd freak and my mom would ground me for probably the rest of my life. But yeah,
anyways...My sisters were here and so was Ron, my two neices, and...Phil. Crazy Bastard. He really freaked me out last night.
I won't say why, but I finally found the bad side that I knew he had. My mom doesn't care though. They're still together.
God, I hate him! I want him out of my life so much. He bribes my dog with dog treats and is always glaring at me whenever
I pay attention to my animals at all and calls Rosie or Simba over to him or takes Spike from me whenever I do. They're
my animals! And he's always telling me to leave him alone, and whenever I ask my mom for something or joke around with my
mom like I always do he'll say, "Be responsible. Get it yourself," or, "RUDE. Why are you such a rude person?" Excuse me?
Why are YOU such a rude bastard, you asshole? Wow. Sorry. I'll stop complaining. Well anyways..I got my Good Charlotte
CD!!! I'm so happy!! I love these songs just as much as all their other ones. I can't believe there's a band like them. They
are the perfect band for me. I also got the Evanescence CD from Zack. :-) It's awesome as expected. Oh! And I finally got
my new digital camera! I took some pictures at school and they're all in My Pictures. Enjoy! Well I love you guys. I have
more to say, but no time to say it. Talk to you later!
~Jessica~
Saturday, October 30, 2004
I feel like an addition to this family. Just an addition. Not a part of it at all. Just a fucking loner that no one wants
around. That nobody wants at all. My friends keep me alive. Without them I wouldn't be able to survive at all because of this
fucking family not caring about me. Today, I asked my mom if we could go out to dinner together and she said, "Sure! It'll
be fun having a night together, just the two of us." Okay, great! I was excited. I mean, lately I haven't gotten to spend
a night out with my mom. Actually, in about two years. The time that Phil and her have been together. So this was really great
for me. I was looking forward to it so much. A night out with just my mom. No fucking hick boyfriend that looks like he lives
in Texas, chews tobacco, and rides bulls for a living. But he doesn't. He lives in Redding, California, drinks wine, and makes
my life miserable for a living. So a little while later my mom comes in my room and asks me to get ready. I ask her when we're
leaving and she says, "When Phil gets here." What? So I ask her, "What do you mean? Phil's coming?" She looks at me, nods
her head, and says, "Of course." Shit. "What a fun night this is gonna be," I say and she starts snapping at me for joking
around too much. Who's joking, Mom? God. She asks me what's wrong and I say, "I just thought it was gonna be the two of us.
Although, I don't know why, 'cuz nothing ever is anymore." So she says, "Oh stop. The only reason we never spend time anymore
is because you're always with Zack." I force myself to say, "Well, at least he has time for me." Instead of, "See, it sucks
to be ditched for a boyfriend, doesn't it?" So yeah. That about ruined our night. While we were at dinner, Phil kept inturrupting
everything I was saying. No exaggeration. I swear. EVERYTHNG. I almost killed him. We got home, I ran in my
room, called my boyfriend, was turned down and had to get off the phone with him like 5 minutes later, and then I lied down
and cried until I fell asleep. Then I had a nightmare that Zack was telling me over the phone, "You're always yelling at me
for not talking to you and ignoring you. I'm getting sick and tired of it and I don't think we should be together anymore."
Yeah. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I almost called him but it was like 12 30 in the morning. So then I remembered
that I had a CD to burn for him and I got out of bed and finished it really quick. But yeah, not to complain or anything.......but
it really sucked and I didn't even have anyone to talk to about it. I wish LeAnna weren't grounded. There's days where I don't
feel like sharing my secrets and feelings with one person and I start really wanting to talk to LeAnna about them. But I guess
that's hopeless. I'll just have to wait until next year to talk to her on the phone and see her over the weekend. That sucks.
Well I'll see you guys later.
~Jessica~
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Ugh. I'm having a horrible time. Things aren't going very great at all. First of all, my best friend Leanna is
having a hard time with her life. I feel like I'm the only one here to help her and I'm doing my absolute best. It's
not going as well as I've planned though. Sometimes she's great. Sometimes she's horrible. I might not ever be able to succeed
in bringing one of the two people I care for most in my life back to being happy. Which brings me to the second thing going
on. The other person that means most to me. My boyfriend, Zack. He's acting really weird lately. The only time I ever
fully enjoy talking to him is when I'm with him. Any other times, it's like he doesn't really want to talk to me. He's always
occupied with something else. I don't know, maybe it's me. I always want to talk to him, always. I think he might be annoyed
by that. And I guess I just might love him too much. Is that possible? Can you really love someone too much? I don't think
so, but I know that you can love someone more than they love you. I'm worried that might be what's going on. I've seriously
fallen head over heels in love with this guy and I can't help but think that he doesn't feel the same. A couple times, the
fact that he might be using me has popped into my head. But that's not possible. He would never do that, I know it.
Maybe I'm just over reacting. But I don't think so. Over the past year, I've come to realize that my heart beats for his love,
for him. It's not beating as well these days. It's just not healthy. I need him in my life so much and I cannot lose
him. If it means not talking to him as much, I think I might be able to take that. It would be hard but I might just be able
to do it. I've been trying to tell him how unhappy I am right now, but I think he just hasn't gotten it yet. And if he has,
he's not doing anything about it and that's horrible. I can not have a fair weathered boyfriend. But the thing is, I don't.
I have the most perfect boyfriend in the world. Someone who's always there for me. Someone who cares about me so much. Someone
who focuses all of his attention on me when I need it. Well I need it, baby. Bad. Please understand me here. I love you. Anyways,
the third thing that's going on is I have all these people telling me: Don't go Gothic. You're so much better the way you
are. I would hate it if you went Gothic. I love you for who you are. You wouldn't look good as a Gothic. Being Gothic sucks.
Don't go Gothic. Well that's funny. That's the one thing I want to do. Hide my emotions. Cut off the world. Show
people that I don't know that I don't fucking care about their problems and I don't want to know them. I don't fucking care
why you're crying. I have my own fucking problems to deal with. But I can't. 'Cuz I have all these people I care about
telling me not to do just that. Well I'm sorry guys. But I can't help it if I do some obscene thing I'm gonna regret, I can't
help it when I get the urge to paint my fingernails black or wear black clothes, I can't help it when I get the urge to pile
on my balck eyeliner and dark lipstick, I can't help it when I feel like listening to Marilyn Manson really really loudly.
It's my therapy. All those things help me. And I can't do them because my friends and family don't want me to. They don't
want me to help myself. Okay. I get it guys. You like who I am inside and you don't want me to change. Well I'm gonna.
And hopefully you'll appreciate the new me. It's still me, right? Right. Well I have to go. Thanks for being here for me through
good times and bad. All of you. I love you for it. I'll never forget any of you, ever. Night.
~Jessica~
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Wow. Okay. I've got some more really bad news. My dog was found. Dead. He was run over by a car and we burried
him in my backyard. I don't want to say too much about it, it's too sad to think about. Well anyways, sorry for not updating
in a while. My computer's been really dumb. I need to get a new internet service. My dad's gonna get me either PeoplePC or
EarthLink. Don't know which one. I can't wait. AOL's been really mean to me lately and I can't stand it anymore. Oh. Does
anyone have any ideas about a Halloween costume for me? I've gone brain dead and people keep taking all my ideas. Lol. If
you have any ideas, just leave me a comment. Thanks! Well anyways, other than that...I've been feeling really sad and
depressed lately and I don't know why. Maybe cause of what I'm going through with Zack. I won't tell you exactly what
that is since it would just make it worse but I'm really worried that he might be mad at me or something worse. I don't know.
Well I'll keep the site updated as much as possible. I love you guys! I'll talk to you later.
~Jessica~
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Bad news. My dog Max is missing. He ran away yesterday and hasn't come back since. It's really worrying
me. I love that dog. The house is so empty without him. I can't help but think that maybe he got run over by a car or is
stuck somewhere in a ditch or something. Have you ever seen Homeward Bound? Yeah, sorta like that. I really want him to come
home. I'm writing a poem for a school poetry contest to keep my mind off of it. I finished the one I started but I don't know
if I like it all that much. Oh well. I'll just write a couple more and see which one I like best or put a poll up on the website
to see what you guys think. Other than that, I'm really worried about LeAnna. She might not be back to school for a whole
month. I don't know if she's told everyone about what happened on Friday or what the consequences are so I'll leave that for
another time but I'm REALLY worried. She's become one of my best friends and I can't stand the fact that I don't even know
if I'm gonna see her for a while. Anyways...I have to go. I have a dog to look for. :-( Talk to you guys later.
~Jessica~
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
I hate Mr. Ortiz! Yeah, okay, he gave me an A+ in his class and he's like the greatest teacher in the world
but he pissed me off today. He got LeAnna in trouble for littering because she THREW A PIECE OF PAPER AWAY IN THE TRASH
CAN. He gave her 25 sentences. I couldn't believe it. I mean, is that reasonable? Is it just me or is that STUPID?! Lol.
What a crazy bitch. Well anyways...I had an OK day today. Well, in the beginning it sucked. I had to take the PSATs and it
was Old School/Retro Day. Come on, what good can come out of that? Lol. So yeah, my school day sucked and then I walked over
to Zack's house. I swear, that guy can make the worst day turn into a fairy tale for me. :-) I love you Zack! So I got home
tonight and I had a really bad headache. I go get the bottle of Advil and open it, get the jug of water from the fridge,
go to pour the water into my cup, except there was no cup! Lol. I almost poured the water into the Advil container. I can't
believe I didn't. I caught what I was doing just in time. I guess I just got lucky. But yeah. I still have to do SO much homework,
it's horrible. It was worth it. I got to spend time with the person that means the most to me in my life. 5 hours is NOT long
enough. It passed by like 5 minutes. :-( Well anyways...I have to get going on my homework. Love you guys!
~Jessica~
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Today sucked! I got so annoyed with everyone. It was Country Day and there were so many people dressed
up like hicks. I swear, that pisses me off. I wanted to seriously grap a cowboy hat, throw it on ground and smash it with
my feet. I get enough of this cowboy crap at home with Phil. Somehow he found out that today was Country Day and when I woke
up this morning, there was a pair of cowboy boots and a cowboy hat at the foot of my bed. NO WAY! Lol. I got up, walked into
the living room, set the boots on the floor, threw the hat into Phil's lap, and walked back into my room. Oh! And then I realized
I still had pink and black hair from Punk/Rock Day yesterday. So, I had to hurry up and take a shower. That sucked. I
hate being rushed. Well yeah, my day was OK until I got to Personal Growth-3rd Period. I DESPISE that class so much. I can't
stand it. We watched a video on AIDS all period long and I literally almost feel asleep. But anyways! Study Hall. We
have to pay like $20 every 3 months to be in Key Club. Key Club is a community service thing that almost killed me
on Saturday. No joke. We had a compus clean up thing and I had to trim bushes, plant trees, and scrub bleachers! I swear to
God, my muscles almost died. But that's off-topic. OK. Study Hall comes and I run to the library 'cuz I have a Key Club meeting
to go to. I get int there and the fucking teacher tells me I can't attend the meeting. Supposedly, I haven't paid my
$20 yet. Well that's just great. So I run back to Mrs. Keelan's room and I'm stopped by like 4 people asking
me why I'm not going to Key Club or that I'm going the wrong way. NO..I'm going the right way as a matter of fact.
I think I've been at this school long enough (possibly too long) to know where my Study Hall class is. But yeah, sorry. That
just pisses me off. Of course, the stupid leadership link crew people ahd to play Country music at lunch. That drove me crazy.
P.E. was boring, as usual. Sarah, Leanna, and I decided we'd go into weight training to be Valley Girls. LOL! Long story.
I had to choose between dance and weight training because I'm NOT doing P.E. next year. I can not stand it. Math was
awesome as usual. Mr. Osborn's the coolest teacher. He's goofy, just like me :-). Spanish was fun. I got to make fun of Mr.
Ortiz as always. Oh! I scored 2 extra credit points for Leanna and I on out next teat. I told him that we were the
only one's doing what we were supposed to and he actually believed me. I love being a teacher's pet :-) I still can't
believe that crazy bitch really believed me. Lol. He bought me my dinner at Casa Ramos last night, too, and tried to order
me a Tequilla by telling the waitress that I was veinte y cinco (25) but she didn't believe him. I wonder why...That
old man is halla crazy. Not one other like him. Lol. Well wnough of that. So yeah. School ended, I was happy, and then I realized
that I still had a 45 minute bus ride to my house. It was boring as always. So then I got home, waited for Zack to call me
for like 3 minutes, called him and everything was alright. It's amazing how talking to one person can cheer uou up after having
a really crappy day. I love you Zack. Well anyways. Sorry this was so long. Talk to you guys later.
~Jessica~
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Well...this is my first journal entry obviously. I should start by letting you know why I made this site, what it's about
and why I named it what I did. I made this site to basically keep you guys up-to-date about what's going on with
me and the things that are going on in my life. Also, I have a Poems & Stories section where I'm going to be keeping all
the poems and stories that I've written, also a Quotes & Sayings section where I'll be putting different quotes and sayings
that I really like. So, basically, this site is all about me. Now, you've probably realized that I've named the site When
Darkness Comes. That name sounded the best to me because right now, my life has been changing a lot. The things that I wear
and my interests and other things like that. It's not anything bad either, it's just a change. Life needs changes to avoid
being boring. Well anyways, if you haven't already read my autobiography page, I hope you do that soon. I didn't feel like
wirting a huge paragraph on my life so I just found some sort of quiz thing. It worked out okay I guess. Well...I'll be posting
more entries later about what's going on and stuff. I'm in the middle of making the site right now so it might be a while.
I love you guys!
~Jessica~
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